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When is your time due?

Author Raja Krishnamoorthy / Kitty - Nov 23, 2015

As I set out for my morning walk, yesterday’s events ran thru my mind. And mind suggested that actually I should not even be walking today because it can be risky!

Yes, the mind said that! Seriously.

Yesterday.

It was a good morning in every possible way. There was this family get together at my daughter’s place celebrating the “naming” of the new member of the family: Our grand son (officially named “Kabir” yesterday). There were around 25 odd people, close and distant relations with each other. The ceremony was over by 11.30am, followed by a very good lunch and I enjoyed the role of the “Host”: Re-organized furniture, planned for the easy food-service process, arranged the food on the table and finally all support material was placed around for comfortable eating. And the guests enjoyed it all.

 Meena, my wife, and I returned home by 1.30 pm and after a bit of chat and trivia management hit the bed for a good Sunday snooze. I must have slept for an hour when I heard her cry of pain. Then it was almost a scream. As it dawned in to my sleepy mind she was tugging her calf, severely pained by a muscle pull (of sorts), was in pain and anguish and the intensity seemed to increase.

 I jumped out of the bed, and ran the other side. Landed close to her, picked up her left foot, held the calf gently and started slowly smoothening, what I imagined was the twitching muscle. That’s when I heard myself saying, “Meena my head is spinning”.

 Yes, from the time I had jumped up and landed at her side this was a state that I could feel: My head wend thru a slow spin, then a faster one and then with either a rush of blood or rushing away of blood- that I could not figure out – MY HEAD WAS REELING.

 As I heard her voice, “Raja…get up, what is happening to you?” repeated a few times, I “woke up”. I found that I was sweating quite a bit. I stated that. I repeated that a few times. She kept saying, “This is not good, shall I ask for help?” I could sense her concern and panic.

 She offered to call our son in law & daughter; after all they stayed 5 minutes drive away from our place. I declined that offer. I said, “Let me settle and see what is happening for a few minutes”. My head, may be in those five minutes, was no more “spinning”. The sweating had stopped.

 I sat down in the bed, calmed myself and asked her as to what did she witness “happening to me” even as I was trying to help her. She stated “you kept saying a few times that your head was spinning…and then for a few moments your eyes just gazed away, fixed and hard; and you did not look alright, and you were not aware of what is happening, even though you were trying to help me. And then your head slumped on me… I felt very alarmed”.

 She said that all this happened in just a few minutes.

 We discussed and guessed what it could be. Vertigo, like the one I slightly experienced the previous evening while working out after my cardio exercise? Or an indicative effect of my 47th Day of not eating carbs -AT ALL directly- of rice or wheat in any form (including bread)? Could it be a Painless heart attack, even if a mild one? I was confused, she was very concerned. As we did not have stock, we ordered for “vertin” with our pharmacist. He was curious about the symptoms. This lead to some discussions and he offered to come home with the medicines and also a Blood pressure monitor instrument.

 He did that pretty soon. I checked out. “Looks like low BP”, he stated and my wife tended to agree with him (since I am neither good in medical assessments, nor knowledgeable).

 As the noon slipped into the evening and then slid in to darkness of the night, my thoughts went all around. What was this due to? What did it indicate? Was my “health trip”- of completely avoiding direct carb-consumption, combined with “good walk & work out”-actually proving anti-healthy for me? Is the delayed heart –beat-syndrome catching up?

 I was pensive, may be reflective and confused. Not so much scared or alarmed but certainly wondering- what is this indicating? We watched television, but I knew that the mind was pre-occupied. Finally by 11 pm I hit the bed and slumbered away to a good sleep. It rained off and on. I was rest-full.

 Today:

 As I woke up, yesterday’s events ran thru my mind and suggested that actually I should not even be “going for my walk” today; “you never know, it can be risky!” But I decided to ignore the mind (I actually asked it to shut up) and chose to walk.

 Morning was gray sky with a hint of sun, as I got set with my “change of clothes”. Yes I decided I will go for my walk, any which way.

 It was a good decision.

 I walked thru all the streets of Venkateshwara nagar, the area where we live. My walk was brisk and bouncy. I started from the north most streets, walked east-to-west thru every street and finally after 50 minutes entered the last street: 19th street. As I turned in to the street I saw it. So obvious!

 People gathered. Some plastic chairs on the road. More vehicles than usual. And kept next to a mortuary van, was that little clay-pot with ropes strung around. Slowly smoke curled up. Slowly, very slowly.

 Someone had died. A funeral was about to start. People were gathered outside that house, waiting for the last journey to begin. Must have been alive yesterday.

 As I crossed the house, respectfully saluting the departed soul, my mind asked me – almost matter of fact: “When do you think will be your turn? Was the drama of yesterday a trailer of things to come?” I dismissed the mischievous monkey of the mind, but it kept jumping up and down for some time.

 Something fell into place. The futility of worry was very clear. As much as the body can throw up surprises and shocks even, it makes no sense to anticipate, fear, brood or worry about “Things that can go wrong in my life”. There are things that you cannot do anything about and there are things you can do- with humility, with wisdom, with common sense, with right caution, with good intention. That’s IT.

 You just cannot avoid surprises. Or shocks. Or vulnerability. Or death. Or arrivals. Or something else altogether, which you did not plan for, or anticipated or ever wished.

 Life will happen. In-spite of you, your intelligence and your insecurity. The question will always hang there:

 “When is your time to go?”

 And we do not know. It is that plain & simple. So what do we do?

 Just move on. Do your best. Do things that you enjoy. Enjoy making efforts, to make this earth an enjoyable place for you, by making it an enjoyable place for others. By caring, by sharing. Ideas, thoughts, feelings, kind words…some product, some comfort, some progress, some love, some hope. Whatever you can create and offer…whatever!

 I later asked for a call driver, since I wanted to read & relax on my way to the doctor for some consultation.

 By 1.30 pm, today my consultation with Dr.KS, the cardio-specialist, was over. He went thru all the details. He asked probing questions. He double checked the BP. I narrated all my data, including the cataract procedure done few months back, my new food regime, my exercise regimen, new vegetarian recipes that I toss up. He checked all my past & current medical records.

 Finally he gave a rather clean chit to the heart. It has not created any new trouble. It must be the stupid vertigo…or my stupid over enthusiasm while exercising. But “nothing to worry”, he declared. We will meet after 6 months.

 Did anything change? I am smiling now. Guess what?

 I am happy that I am fine; my health is OK.I am also happy that I saw the reality of death during my morning walk. There is a reality of “time” in this world. And time slips off.

 I have to prioritize and find time to do what I love doing. Or like doing… Or “fancy” doing. Yes, Just “Get down to doing”. And not fantasize/ eternally analyze/ brood/ debate/strategize/make lists/feel inadequate or guilty for not doing…

 That was the message of that dead human (being?). For me.

 I am so happy today that I sat down and wrote my heart out – a blog- after almost 16 months.

 I am smiling!

Love

Rajaah

 


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